Today at around 12:30AM London time, I’ll head off the meet a ex-best friend (KC) that I haven’t seen for close to 13 years. We parted ways under strained conditions. When I reflect on the different ways I could have handled our departure I’m reminded of how badly I handled the situation. It’s shocking to remember just how immature I can be. I hope this is a phase I’ve grown out of. I guess there is only one way to know for sure. We shared so many experiences during our friendship period I often found it difficult to picture my life without KC. Painfully I discovered that there is a fine line between friend and …well I don’t want to say “enemy” so I’ll say non friend. Although the balance seemed to get restored, I gained new friends but none quite like KC. In fact now that I think of it very few have ever been called “best friend” I think all of my friends would agree, or at least they have told me at one time or another that I “smart” but I think they meant sneaky. I have a creeping suspicion that I’ll always have a cunning streak. I use the word cunning because it’s usually intended as a clever way to deceive. Well that’s how it is in my dictionary. It often bothers me that when trying to problem solve I seem to instantly go the sneaky route. The scary part is once a person reaches my “inner circle” they pretty much know the real me. if I haven’t scared them off by then they must be worth keeping…or crazier than me. I know KC has had many changes in his life since we parted, I feel uncertain as to how this will go. I wonder if I’ll ever have this chance to rectify all the relationships I’ve ever soured. I would never admit to having a big ego but I do fee wholly responsible for most of my outcomes. I have played out many scenarios in my head for this situation. I think I do this to prepare, I have a great imagination and have gotten really good at predicting outcomes….I shuffled my Aleister Crowley tarot, guess what card came up first ? oddly enough I think the new Dredillah album will be called “lunar powered” yeah.....I think entirely too much in attempt to attain certainty, but still I feel uncertain.
