Sometimes we accept trade offs in this life, I envy anyone who lives a life without compromise. At almost every turn I feel like I'm bartering and trading my soul for what I want. I think this would make things difficult for those who exist and live in am environment they are not passionate about. Like how an artist might feel working in a military-esque situation.
I've recently embraced the idea that I'm an artist, not sure how I missed this one but for some reason I've just accepted the premise that I'm a guy with a lot of crazy ideas that would need to learn to blend in to survive. The word survive is a bit severe but, the blending in part has always been surprisingly simple. I instinctively seem to know what answers, words, or actions are required by my surroundings or situation. Lately it's been more difficult to keep my inner "how I really feel" voice in my head. In the past i was really good at having a strong opinion and feeling one way yet acting completely different. I think this is called schizophrenic. Don't even get me started on the voices and dreams, that's a whole different post for later. I've started to compartmentalize more.
I think I've always compartmentalized, but just never realized I was doing it. They say there are three "yous"
I've recently embraced the idea that I'm an artist, not sure how I missed this one but for some reason I've just accepted the premise that I'm a guy with a lot of crazy ideas that would need to learn to blend in to survive. The word survive is a bit severe but, the blending in part has always been surprisingly simple. I instinctively seem to know what answers, words, or actions are required by my surroundings or situation. Lately it's been more difficult to keep my inner "how I really feel" voice in my head. In the past i was really good at having a strong opinion and feeling one way yet acting completely different. I think this is called schizophrenic. Don't even get me started on the voices and dreams, that's a whole different post for later. I've started to compartmentalize more.
I think I've always compartmentalized, but just never realized I was doing it. They say there are three "yous"
- The you that is displayed to the world
- The you that others see
- The you that you really are.
Well for me I feel like there are about 6 or 7 and this may not be a good thing. A big clue came when I realized that if I were to invite all of my friends to a party, there would be a lot of awkward exchanges and possibly some heated discussions. What I'm getting at is that my friends would likely not be friends with each other for many reasons, most of them being "belief" oriented. I've also noticed more and more that my views are in the minority and in the course of discussions will need to "reign in" my true feelings for fear upsetting others with my views. I've contemplated what it would be like to exist as one. I imagine an existence where I would never have to "filter" what I say or how I behave. It's alarming the number of volatile situations this would inevitably create. It's also intoxicating to think of the resolutions. Sometimes i remind me of a balancing scale. I feel a little better thinking about it like mixing water colors until I get to the part where all colors hit the saturation point and become that dark brownish yet
completely...
balanced...
mess.
